Taking Your Spirited Child To Public Places

When Going Out with Your Spirited Child Feels Like too Much Work!

 Developed by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka Ed.D. and Lynn Jessen M.A.

Does your anxiety level rise with the mere thought of taking your spirited child out in public?  Are you tempted to just stay home? And yet know that’s not a long-term solution? Lynn and I can assure you that with your guidance and consistent practice, spirited children can become very adept at managing public outings, often becoming the life of the party! 

 Start with your own self-talk. 

Replace those negative thoughts that raise your intensity such as, “My child is intentionally trying to embarrass me in public,” with messages that reframe what’s happening and help you stay in the green zone of calm energy.

Empowering messages such as:

• Socializing is an essential life skill that my child is working on but has not yet achieved.  
• We are a problem-solving family.
• Avoidance is not an effective solution.
• I can teach and practice with my child the skills necessary to be successful.

Set everyone up for success:

Intentionally structure the practice sessions to help everyone remain calm.

• Would you feel most comfortable practicing one-on-one with your child?
• Is it better for you to go with a friend who knows and loves you and your child and can be there to support both of you – and any other siblings that are present?
• Keep initial sessions short.   You want them to end successfully. Each tiny success builds on the next.
• Select a time when everyone involved is well rested and fed.  Hunger and fatigue trigger the arousal system fueling the meltdowns.
• Identify the “just right challenge.” Start with where your child is at and move them forward.  A challenge that is not too easy nor too tough. If a walk around the block feels like too much, simply aim for getting to the corner and back!  

 Review your child’s temperament profile:

Think about your child’s temperament traits and how they may be triggered in social situations. (Chapter 4, Raising Your Spirited Child, 4^th Edition)

• Is your child temperamentally sensitive and thus easily overstimulated in crowds? If so, for your initial practice sessions choose a quiet, low stimulation site.
• Does your child have a cautious first reaction to anything new? If so, choose a location your child is familiar with for those first practices. Then when they are ready for an unfamiliar location arrive early, giving them time to acclimate to the new setting before others arrive.
• If your child is high energy, select active activities.
• If your child is slow to adapt, and struggles with transitions, before going, create with them a visual plan, laid out like a 4-6 frame cartoon, in which you draw out the “story” of what you’ll be doing. Review it with them so they know what to expect.

 Teach and practice with your child the words and actions you want them to use.

Words and actions such as:

• “I’m starting to feel bubbly inside I need to leave.”
• “I need a break.”
• “Could we please go where it is quieter.”
• “Let’s take a ball with us, then when you need to move, we’ll go outside and play.”

 Plan to leave while your child is still happy.

• Stay tuned in. The moment you hear your child’s voice rising, see them forget a rule, or lose patience, it’s time to go.

 Celebrate successes!

• After practice sessions celebrate with your child the new skills they are developing.
• Gradually, as their skills grow, increase the “just right challenge,” gently nudging them forward until that child, whom you once dreaded taking out in public, is successfully managing social situations with ease.